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B9 17 

847 THE MINOR DRAMA 

opy 1 

No. I. 



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THE miSH ATTORNEY: 



GAL WAY PRACTICE IN 1770. 



A FARCE, 



TX TWO ACTS 



BY WILLIAM BAYLE BERNARD. 

I 

'. With the Stage Directions, Description of Costumes, &c. | 

I 



NEW- YORK : I 

^ PUBLISHED BY BERFORn ^ r n | 

I NO. 2 ASTOR HOUSE. \ 
VW.CV, I2i CENTS. 




-y/^. 



\ 









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THE IRISH ATTORNEY, 
Act 1. ScENK I. 



THE MINOR DRAMA 

No. I. 



THE IRISH ATTORNEY; 



OR, 



GALWAY PRACTICE IN 1770. 



21 laxct 



IN TWO ACTS 



BY BAYLE BERNARD, ESQ 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, 
COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW Y O R K : 
8ERFORD & CO., No. 2 ASTOR HOUSE, 

AND TAYLOR AND CO., BALTIMORE. 



1847. 






2 3 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

This excellent farce is from the pen of the talented author o< 
** The Nervous Man," Bayle Bernard, Esq., who is an Ameri- 
can by birth, though of Irish descent. It was first performed at 
the Haymarket Theatre, London, on the 6th of May, 1840 ; 
its success was then unequivocal; and it has ever since been 
regarded as one of the most valuable additions to our stock of 
mirth-provoking after-pieces. Mr. Bernard dedicates this piece 
" To the memory of Luke Bernard, attorney-at-law, Limerick," 
as a " Herainiscence of his life and virtues, by his affectionate 
descendant." 

Of the performance of Pierce O^Hara, the hero of this farce, 
by the late Mr. Power (for whom it was expressly written), we 
can but say, it was perfection. Mr. Collins, Mr. Leonard, and 
a host of " Irish Comedians," have since enacted the part, the 
former with very distinguished success ; and amongst the latter, 
Mr. Nickinson, of the Olympic Theatre, deserves honourable 
mention. His style of dressing and enacting the " four-bottled* 
five -barred, rollicking" Galway gentleman, is certainly equal to 
that of any of the other candidates for " the mantle of Poor 
Power." It is to this gentleman we are indebted for the copy 
from which this edition is printed. That copy was, by permis- 
sion, carefully revised and corrected by him from the manu- 
script used by the original personator of the hero during his last 
engagement in New York. The alterations and additions by 
Mr. Power, add very much to the effectiveness of the piece ; 
and we feel much pleasure in being enabled to present what we 
believe to be the only edition of " The Irish Attorney," as per 
formed bv that lainented actor. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Haymarket, 1840. Park, 1847. Olympic, 1847. 

Pierce O'Hara Mr, Power. Mr. Collins. Mr. Nickinson. 

Jacob TVylie " Strickland. " Fisher. " Everard. 

Hawk " Goufrh. " G.Andrews. *' Conover. 

Saunders *' Oxberry. " Povey. " Roberts. 

Maldon " Howe. " Sutherland. " Clark. 

Charlcote " Worrell. " A.Andrews. " Bleecker. 

Fielding " Caulfield, " M' Douall. " Levere. 

Biggs " Matthews. " Barnett. 

Miss Charlcote Miss Travers. Miss Kate Horn. Miss Nickinson. 

Sally Miss Mattley. Miss Gordon. Miss Roberts. 

Deputation of Farmers. 
Time of Representation, One Hour and Thirty Minutes. 



COSTUMES. 

PIERCE O'HARA.— First dress: Scarlet gold-laced coat, cut iu the fashion of 
1770, turned up with green, buckskin breeches reaching to the calf, with bunches 
of black ribbons, white satin waistcoat, low top-boots, powdered head and queu, 
conical hat, broad-band and buckle. Second dress: Black silk breeches and 
stockings, shoes with red heels, and buckles. 

JACOB WYLIE —Black velvet coat, black waistcoat and breeches, riding-boots, 
cocked hat, and curled wig. 

HAWK. — Black coat, breeches, and stockings. 

SAUNDERS.— Ditto, but much poorer. 

CHARLCOTE.— Green riding-coat, laced and turned up with red, satin waistcoat* 
breeches, and top boots, conical hat. 

MALDON. — Purple laced coat, yellow satin waistcoat, white breeches, and ridinf^ 
boots, cocked hat. 

FIELDING.— Brown laced coat, satin waistcoat, white breeches, and riding boots, 
cocked hat. 

FARMERS, &c. 

MISS CHARLCOTE.— Powdered head, black satin hat, and white feather, yellow 
satin cloak, muslin frock. 

SALLY. — Stuff gown looped up, mob cap. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 
R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door; 
S. E. Second E?itrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 
R,, means Right; L., Left; C, Centre ; R. C, Right of Centre; 
L. C, Left of Centre. 



JS.B. Passages marked with Inverted Commas 
representation. 



are usJtaUy omiUed in the 



THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 



AC T I. 

Scene I. — Mr. Wylie's Offices, divided into two apartments 
hij a glass partition at hack, with door in c, through which 
i^ seen the outer office, and desks of the Clerks, &^c. — The 
room in front being Mr. Wylie's, is fitted uj) ivith shelves, 
loaded with law hooks and tin deed-boxes, and tables r. 
and L, covered with papers — A fire-place stands r., over 
which is suspended a map of the country, an almanac, a 
sheriff's list, and a gun — Doors open r. and l. into inner 
rooms. 

Hawk is discovered at a table, writing — Saunders at a desk 
in the outer office — and the two rooms are filled with clients 
— Farmers and Tradesmen seated or standing, who are 
waiting on business. 

Haiok. [Giving papers to one.] There, Mr. Biggs, is 
your lease, with the clause added to it, about repairs — 
and, Mr. Jackson, there's your mortgage — you've settled 
with Mr. Wylie, I believe. 

Big. E'es, zur, all be paid for. 

Hawk. Very good — good morning. 

IBig. Good morning, sir. 

[ They go out, c, another advances. 

Haivk. Mr. Ruggles, we can't move in your cause 'till 
next term, but we shall lose no time — we shall file a de- 
claration, and retain counsel. You need have no fear, 
sir. You know Mr. Wylie is too sound a lawyer to advise 
this action, if he wasn't sure you'd win it. 

Ruggles. Thank'ye. Good morning, sir. 

[Exit, c, — a group advance. 



8 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 



[Act I. 



HawJc, Good morning, gentlemen ; come to consult, 1 
believe, about the right of way over Barnsbury-heath. 
Mr. Wylie is engaged just now, but if you can call when 
market's over, or in an hour's time, he'll be glad to see 
you. 

Far. Thank'ye, zur, thank'ye. [ They all go out, c. 

Haivh. Phew ! confound these market-days, specially 
about Michaelmas. What a load of work they give us 
with their leases and mortgages ; let's see, there's still 
that deed to finish, and the indentures, besides the sub- 
poenas to serve, the distress on old Furrows, and the writ 
against Fielding. I say, Saunders — 

Saunders advances^ mending a fen, c. 

Sau. Yes. 

Hawk. The old man's getting on, isn't he 1 it's only 
ten years ago, he came into the county, and now he has 
about the best business in the North Riding, and all owing 
to his steady-going habits. Everybody trusts him — Old 
Wylie, they say, never puts his hand out further than he 
can pull it back again. 

Sau. Why, even Squire Maldon is come to him at last, 
and he is one of the richest landlords in the county, all be- 
cause master is such a careful hand with tenants. 

Hairh. Yes — it's wonderful what a good name does for 
a man sometimes — do you know, Saunders, master's got 
a visitor ] 

Sau. A visitor ? 

Hawk. Yes, an Irish gentleman, who came last night. 

San. And what's he come about ? 

Haick. I don't know : some agency, I think, though — I 
iieard him talk about a cause he'd gained at Galway. 

Sa7i. Why, he isn't an Irish Attorney, is he 1 

Hawk. Well, now you mention it, I shouldn't wonder. 

San. What ! one of those fellows who are always going 
to horse-races and cock-fights 1 

Haick. Exactly so — he looks just the chap. 

Sau. Then he's a pretty fellow for an agent — why, he's 
more likely to break the law than keep it ; those Irish 
gentry are such devils for fighting, they call them fire-eat- 
ers. Why, I've been told, Hawk, that whenever they lose 
a cause, they swear it is an insult, and challenge the 
v>'holo jury ! 



ScESE L THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 9 

Hawk. Ha, ha ! what fun. 

Sau. You know what it means in Ireland when the 
court retires to refresh itself? 

Hawk. No. 

Sau. Why, it's when the attorneys go behind the 
court-house, and have a crack at the opposite counsel. 

Hawk. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Wi/l. [ Within.\ Hawk, Hawk ! 

Hawk. Eh, there's master coming — he'll be wanting 
this brief and I haven't half done it. 

[They return to their seats. 

Enter Wylie, through r. s. e. in great coat, top boots, ^. 
for travelling, followed Ifij Sally, with breakfast tray. 

Wyl. Place it here, Sally, and tell Mr. Pierce O'Hara 
I wish to see him in the office. 

Sal. E'es, zur. [She places breakfast on table, and goes 
through door, r. s. e. 

Wyh Hawk ! here's a letter I received late last night 
from my client, Mr. Newman — he is on the point of dea^, 
and has made 710 will, so I must drive over to Ripon ^^ 
full speed — Saunders, run and order my gig. 

Sau. Yes, sir. \Hc goes ovt at back, c. 

Wyl. And Hawk, come here, I ha^something to tell 
you which affects your future intereS^^you are aware 
that my business has increased so mtflh of late, I have 
found it impossible to get through it satisfactorily ; you'll 
not be surprised, therefore, when I tell you that I have 
taken in di partner. 

Haick. A partner, sir ! 

Wyl. Yes, that gentlem-an who arrived last night — a 
man of whose moral worth and high legal attainments J 
have received the most flattering vouchers. Now, I dare 
say you'll be surprised to hear he's an Irishman, knowing 
what we've heard of most Irish attorneys — fellows who 
do nothing but ditel or fox-hunt — but this gentleman, I 
am assured, is (devoted to business, in proof of which his 
uncle has not only paid me liberally to admit him, but has 
agreed to my inserting in our deed of partnership a clause, 
providing that if he should either ride or race, or fight a 
duel, without my consent, such acts should dissolve our 
partnership, and forfeit his money. 



10 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 



[Act I 



Ilawh. Indeed, sir. 

Wyl. You 2:>erceive, therefore, I am perfectly secure in 
what I've done, and — 

O' H. \ 'Witliin.\ In the office, my darling — very w^ell. 

Wyl. He's coming — I've something to say to him, so 
you can leave us. [Haivh goes mto the inner office, c. 

E?itcr O' Har A, yrom door, r. s. e. 

O'jy. Aha ! good morning to you, my friend, good 
morning. 

IVt/I. Good morrow, my dear sir — well, and how did 
you sleep 1 quite well, I hope. 

O'll. Oh, mighty well — the fact is, when I sleep I pay 
attention to it. 

W//L Your journey, then, has not fatigued you. 

O'H. Oh, no — my fatigue mostly commences when I 
begin to sit still. 

Wi/l. Well, here's your breakfast. 

O'H. Thank you. 1 hope i have not kept you wait- 
ing, my venerable old friend. 

iV?/l. IS^ at all : I've breakfasted. 

O'H. .^^ptt's right — you arrange your habits as you 
pleaa^ — ijpfi. never find fault with 7}ie, I'll never find fault 
wiTO yoif. ^ 

TF///. And no;^^vhilst you take it, I have something 
to communicate — T^have told you what occasions my de- 
parture to Ripon, where it is probable I shall be detained 
all day. [ff Ham s'ts down to hreal<fast. 

OH. Oh, don't hurry yourself — make it ten days, if 
you like. 

Wyl. Now, whilst the clerks can transact the business 
in the office, there is one proceeding 1 would entrust en- 
tirely to your care. I've ex])lained to you that one of my 
best clients in the neiohbourhood is a Mr. Maldon, a g'en- 
tleman possessed of a very large estate, and — 

O'll. Very capital ham. 

Wyl Well, sir — INIr. Maldon, you must know, is on 
the point of marriage with a Miss Charlcote, the sister of 
a neighbour, which alliance would have been solemnized 
ere now, had he not discovered he had a rival by the name 
of Fielding — 

O'//. Why don't he shoot him ? 



Scene I.] IHE HUSH ATTOKiNEr. H 

IVyl. A poor younger son of a broken-down family, in 
short, who is regularly — 

O'H. [E??ipff/i7ig the tea-pot.] Drained out. Sally, more 
water. [Salhj enters r. s. e., takes tea-pot oJf\ and brings it 
on again directly.] That's right, Sally, always be careful 
to fill your tea-pot. 

Wyl. Now, as our client feels this interference keenly, 
he thinks himself justified in removing this person till his 
happiness is secured — he accordingly has got a bill of his 
for a hundred pounds transferred to him, which is now 
overdue, and for this bill he intends to arrest him. 

yH. Arrest him ! aha ! 

Wyl. Accordingly, here is the writ which I have just 
received from London, duly stamped, and which you must 
forward to the sheriff for his warrant, sending also to the 
bailiff to bid him execute it promptly. 

Enter Saunders yro;?^ the hack, c. 

Sau, The gig is at the door, sir. 

Wyl. Very well — I have now explained this case to 
you, and I entrust it to your hands; the clerks will lay 
before you wdiat's going on in the office, so I leave all to 
your discretion ; good morning, my dear sir — I've no 
doubt when I return I shall find your prudence and abili- 
ty have not been overstated. Here's the writ. 

[ Offers tvrit to O'Hara. 

O^H. All right — pop it into the slop-basin. I'll take 
care of it. 

Wyl. There, there. [Lays the writ on the table, and exit 
c, followed by Saunders. 

O'H. So, then, here I am, Mr. Pierce O'Hara, trans- 
planted from my native country to the wilds of York- 
shire, to vegetate, like a fir-tree, for the rest of my days — 
by my honour it's barbarous — and to think it's the doing 
of my own mother's brother, merely because I had spent 
all my money before I came to it, and wanted a few dirty 
hundreds to set me going in business ! — and that's not the 
worst : not only does he exile me from Ireland, but he 
sells me to a partner who has no more notion of what 
constitutes a gentleman than one of his own door-scrapers 
— who thinks the whole business of life is to be inking 
one's fingers for a handful of shillings ; he's had the impu- 



12 THE JUlfeH ATTOKiNhV. 



{Act 1. 



dence to tell me that hunting and cocking are not pastimes 
for a lawyer. There's a Jackcen for you — I've degraded 
the O'Haras by such a dirty alliance ; but what's to be 
done, the bargain's struck, and the money paid — well, 
then, isn't it my duty to convert the old villain, to show 
him the merit of walking like a man, instead of creeping 
like a pig with his nose in the gutter ] By my honour 
I'll do it — I'll make him a gentleman in spite of his blood 
— I'll teach him the story of the stone and the ambergris — 
if he rubs against me, he shall get some good odour. 

Hawk advances from the back witli papers. 

Hawk. Good morning, sir ; Mr. Wylie desired me to 
show you what was doing in the office. 

O'H. He's mighty good, 

Haivk, Here's an action of trespass brought by one of 
our clients against Squire Quicksett. 

O'll. Oh, for trespass, is it ? 

Hawk. Yes, sir — riding through his garden whilst hunt- 
ing, and smashing his hot-house. 

O'H. What, sir % 

Hawk. Riding through his garden, I say, whilst hunt- 
ing, and — 

&H. And do you mean to say you'd prosecute a man 
for riding straight to hounds 1 

Hawk. Of course, sir, if he does damage. 

O^H. And you call it damage, if a gentleman rides down 
a cucumber bed, and kicks down a dirty hot-house 1 

Hawk. Undoubtedly, sir. 

O'H. It is, sir ] then hark'ye, young man, if you ever 
dare insult me by proposing such a case again, say your 
prayers before you move in the suit, for by the soul in my 
body, I'll— 

Hawk. Sir! 

O'H. I'll be brief with that brief — put it in the fire. 

Hawk. The fire, sir % 

O'H. The fire — and be quick, or I'll put you on it. 

Hawk. The — the — fi — fi — fire, sir ] 

O'H The fire— quick, or— 

[^Hatck walks round him in front, and stands hesitating 
near the fire-place. 

Hawk. But — but, sir — what will Mr. Wylie say ? 



Scene I. j THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 13' 

O'H, You \illain, if you don't instantly put that paper 
betwixt the middle bars, I'll throw you on the top one. 

[Hawh throws the brief into the grate. 
That's right — that's my record office for such cases — and 
now, young man, let me give you a word of warning — 
I've bought half your master's practice, and brought him 
all my character ! — do you hear that, sir] — my character, 
that has not been used to crawl by your dirty ways or 
roundabout methods. I mean to establish this firm upon 
Galway principles, upon the old high-blooded, four-bottled, 
five-barred system, and if you or any man dare to oppose 
it, I'd advise you to keep the door open for a start, that's 
all. 

Hawk. I'm sure, sir, I didn't mean to offend— 

O^H. Come here — what's your name 1 

Hawk. Hawk, sir. 

O'H. You're more like a buzzard — but here, here's 
half a guinea for you — go to the inn, get a bowl of punch, 
and get drunk. 

Hawk. Punch, sir. 

O'H. Yes, sir — and if you come back sober^ by my 
soul I'll discharge you. 

Hawk. But what will Mr. Wylie say, sir % 

O'H. What's that to you, you villain ! get along this 
instant, and come back drunk — do you hear that — blind 
drunk — if you're able to say you're sober, I'll break your 
bones for disgracing me. \Hawk goes out.} By my honour, 
they want Law Reform in this office — I shall have my 
work to do here, I see — I — 

Sau. [In the back office.] Mr. Charlcote, sir. 

Enter Charlcoti: from hack. 

Cha. Mr. O'Hara, I believe. 

O^H. The same, sir. 

Gha. I have just met Mr. Wylie, who has informed me 
you are his partner, and can act in lieu of him. 

O'jfT. Command me, sir, I beg of you. 

Cha. My name is Charlcote, and my sister, you may 
have heard, is on the eve of marriage with one of your 
clients. Well, sir, in the York paper of yesterday ap- 
peared a paragraph, stating as a reason for this marriage, 
that I had embezzled her fortune. 



14 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. [AcT I. 

O'H. The libellous villain ! 

Cha. Here's the statement — read it, sir. 

[Gives him a newspaper. 
I think this is the doing of a Mr. Fielding ; however, I'm 
resolved it shall be atoned for, so I desire you instantly to 
serve the editor w^ith a notice of action. 

O'H. A what? 

Cha. A notice of action. 

O'H. Poh, poh ! that's not the thing ! 

Cha. No? 

O^H. No — haven't you been insulted 1 

Cha. Certainly. 

O'JT. Well, then, isn't your remedy in two shapes. If 
the editor's a gentleman, you'll call him out, and if he's a 
blackguard, bate him. 

Cha. Beat him ! 

aH. What else % 

Cha. But my good sir, that's against the law. 

O^H. The law — ^devil take the law, what's the law to 
do with justice] 

Cha. Then you would actually recommend me either 
to beat the fellow or challenge him ? 

O'H. Of course I do — and if you want a second, I'm 
your man ! 

Cha. Well, really, this is the strangest fellow for a le- 
gal adviser ! 

O'H. I give you my honour, sir, it's regular Galway 
practice, and there isn't a county in the world where peo- 
ple are sooner satisfied. 

Cha. Then you come from that county ] 

0' H. I do, sir — it's the great nest of the 0'Hai"as, 
where they've all been hatched and taken wing, since the 
deluge. Ah, sir ! 1 wish you could see our old family 
house, with its brown oak wainscots, hung with powder- 
flasks and dog-collars, and its furniture — none of your 
French gimcracks, but all as old as the ark and as sound 
as bog oak — sir, we haven't a table that hasn't had jigs 
danced upon it, nor a chair you can't throw at a friend 
without fear of breaking it. 

Cha. That's convenient, certainly — but what odd sort 
of people — 

(JH. By my honour, sir, there isn't one of 'em but 



ScEOE I.] THE IRLsH ATTORNb;V% 15 

would watch a whole week, by the bed of a sick friend, 
and take half his physic. Fellows, sir, that would drink 
with you, and fight with you— none of your " half-mount- 
ed" gentry, but all " gentlemen to the back bone." Not 
one of them but can drain his four bottles at night, and 
leap a five-barr'd gate in the morning — then there's such 
variety— you may go to a man's house one week, and 
meet as aisy a-going set of fellows as ever ladled out 
punch : come there the week after, you'll find them all 
dead and buried, and a fresh set of divils rollikin in their 
room. 

Clia. And amidst this society you were brought up to 
the law 1 

O^H, Yes, sir — -I had great educational advantages in 
my father; you may judge of his genius, sir, when I tell 
you, that before I was fifteen I could nick a tail, and prick 
a vein, wing a snipe, and worm a hound; I could draw a 
house, a horse, and a game cock, tin a saucepan, rim a 
wheel, play the German flute, crack a skull, and cane a 
bailiff with any man in the county. Having thus far com- 
pleted my education, I went to London to be articled, and 
coming back to Galway, I devoted five years to the prac- 
tical part of my profession ; and if drinking hard all 
night, and riding hard all day, can make a man a lawyer, 
by my honour, sir, though I say it, I'm qualified for the 
woolsack myself. 

Cha. Ha, ha ! Well, I shall consider what you advise, 
and see you again ; so for the present, good morning, Mr. 
O'Hara. 

O'H. Sir, good morning to you. 

yCharlcote goes out at hack, c. 
A very pleasanl fellow that — I must know more about 
him — I have let him see the way I mean to do business, 
any how — but murder and fire ! what will I do now, — a 
whole day to be cooped up here amongst red tape and 
wafers — Shortbrain versus Tittlebats — without a horse, a 
dog, or a gun, or a friend to crack a bottle with— I'll be dead 
before the morning, that's certain ; if there were a pair 
of chickens now in the garden, that I could persuade into 
a fight, or a horse in the next field I could tumble over a 
fence with — I have it, there is an old gun, which I saw 
when I first came here, in the room at the end of the pas- 



16 THE IKISII ATTOKNfcV. 



[Act 



sage — and that, I'll wager, has'nt seen the light of day 
since the battle of Marston Moor ; it's got a mouth like a 
street-door, and a barrel crooked enough to fire up a stair- 
case ; but never mind, I'll send Saunders for ammunition. 
My bedroom window looks out upon the garden : by my 
honour I'll go and commence an action against the old fel- 
low's pigeons, or by my conscience, if it comes to the 
worst — [He is going off through r. door — a loud crash is 
heard outside, and a screa?n.] What the divil's that ] 

Saunders runs in, c. 

Sau. Oh, sir, sir! 

O'H. Speak, man alive — what's the matter 1 

Sau. A post-chaise has overturned at the door, with a 
lady and a gentleman. 

O'H. Well, sir — do they say they're killed, or only 
speechless 1 

Sau. The gentleman's got out, sir, but the lady's faint- 
ed. 

O'H. Then, you inhospitable villain, why don't you 
run to her, and bring her here ] 

Sau. There's some one coming in, sir. 

Enter Fielding, carrying in Miss Charlcote, senseless, c. 

O'H. Here, Sally — Saunders, you villain, ring the bell. 
[^Saunders rings the bell — SaJIy enters a. 

Fie. You will pardon this intrusion, but you see my ex- 
cuse — a lady stunned — almost killed by this accident — 
may I trespass on your kindness for a chair — for something 
to revive her ] — a glass of water 1 

0*H. Of course, sir — anything you like — ^but wouldn't 
the lady have some brandy, sir, or a little Drogheda us- 
quebaugh 1 — it's a specific vdth us, sir, in all cases of 
weakness. 

Fie. Any thing you please, sir. 

O'H. Well, then — Here, Sally, attend the lady into 
the little back parlour at the end of the passage. There's 
a sofa in the next room : will you take her in there, sir, 
and I'll send for a physician. 

Fie. A thousand thanks — this is kindness indeed ! 

\He carries her into the room, r. s. e. — Sally follows. 

G^H. By my honour, she's a cherub, that's the truth — 



ScEKKl.J THK IKlclH ATTORNEY. 17 

she's got a face that would move a suit in any court in 
Christendom — here, you villain, run for a doctor, do you 
hear, or — stop, Spindleshanks, I'll go myself, and — 

Fielding returns. 

Fie. I'm happy to say, sir, my young friend is not inju- 
red — she'll be able to proceed in a few minutes — -I've now 
only to see the post-chaise put to rights, and — 

Saunders advances^ c. 

Sau. One of the horses is killed, sir. 

Fie. Killed! 

Sau. And the post-poy is so stunned, he can't sit up. 

[He goes out again, c. 

Fie. Then I'm ruined. [He sinks into a chair. 

O'H Ruined ! Sir, I'm delighted to hear it. 

Fie. Delighted! 

O'H Yes, sir — since it's clear you want a friend — and 
here's myself that's got nothing to do in the wide world, 
and will thank you for employment. 

Fie. Is it possible! — may I then trust to you my secret ] 

O'H. By my honour you may, for as a secret's a thing 
I can never remember, no man, I think, can more faith- 
fully keep one. 

Fie. Then I'll have no reserve — with that lady in the 
next room, sir, I have eloped. 

O'H. I thought so. 

Fie. The tyranny of her brother drove me to the step, 
and the machinations of a villain, who has gained his con- 
fidence — a man, sir, whom she loathes, but who, to pos- 
sess her, cares not what misery he inflicts. 

O^H. And what's the name of this scoundrel 1 

Fie. Maldon, sir. 

O'H. Maldon] and your name — 

Fie. Is Fielding, and her brother's name is Charlcote. 

O'H. Exactly. Then if I'm not mistaken, here's a bit 
of paper which concerns you. [Shews him the writ.[ Allow 
me to introduce you to John Doe and Richard Roe. 

Fie. A writ ! 

O'H. Only waiting the sherifTs warrant to take you to 
York Castle. I don't know what sort of lodgings they've 
got there. 



18 THE JKIbH ATTORNEY. 



FACT I. 



Fie. Then you are — 

O^H. Mr. Maldon's attorney, sir. 

Fie. Whose busmess it is to arrest me] 

O'H. Exactly so. 

Fie. And you will do so — you, to whose roof necessity 
has driven me ? 

O'H. Now, was ever a man so grossly insulted— I rzr- 
rcst you ! by my soul, sir, if I didn't think you had trou- 
ble enough on your hands already, I'd demand instant sa- 
tisfaction. 

Fie. What am I to think, then ? 

O'H. What ! why that a man's being a lawyer, it 
doesn't of necessity follow that it must make him a ruffian ; 
there goes the writ into my pocket, the best deed-box in 
the office. 

Fie. You exempt me from delay, then, till my happi- 
ness is secured ] 

O'/J. Oi course, I do. 

Fie. How am I to thank you 1 — but words are useless 
— some other time I'll prove my gratitude by deeds — no 
doubt at the inn I can get another chaise, and — [Going 
to the hack, c, he stops.] What do I see ! 

O'H. What do you see ] 

Fie. As I live, 'tis Maldon himself dismounting at the 
inn — my fears are confirmed, then : he has pursued me. 

(yiJ. Pursued you ? 

Fie. He, no doubt, and Charlcote — how can I avoid 
this new danger] 

O'H. How ] whenever I want to avoid a danger, I 
make a point to meet it plump in the face. 

Fie. You would have me meet him, then ? 

O'H. Of course — if you'd stop him from pursuing you 
write him a challenge,and I'll carry it — lend you pistols — 
no lawyer in Ireland travels without them ; a corkscrew 
and pistols are my law authorities. 

Fie. Still, sir, I fear — 

O'H. Oh, don't fear their missing — mine are hair trig- 
gers, and in capital order — by my honour, if they could 
speak, they'd thank you for airing them. 

Fie. But won't it seem strange for yo?i to carry a mes- 
sage — you, who are his own lawyer ? 

O'll. Not at all — that saves the trouble of an introduc 



Scene I.] THE IRISH ATTORNeV. 19 

tion — sit down and write it, man, sit down, I say — if not 
for your own sake, do it for mine — think what a luxury 
'tis to a man of my profession — T haven't snapped a trig- 
ger for upwards of a month, and by my honour, I'm half 
dead for want of the enjoyment. [Fielding sits at fJic tah'le 
and writes.] Aha ! that's all right — I've got some work 
upon my hands at last — if I could only get up a fight here 
once a fortnight, I might be able to civilize the natives, 
and endure the country. 

Fie. There, that will do, I think. 

O'H. Do ! — Crow Ryan or Amby Fitzgerald could not 
have written it better — now go and comfort your darling 
— but first address it — Mr. Maldon, and I'll take care of 
the rest ; and if I don't settle this affair, never trust your 
honour again to one of the O'Haras. 

[He runs out at hack, c. 
Fie. This seems to me like a dream — that accident 
should take me to the house of my enemy's attorney, and 
that I should find in him a friend — I'll carry this good 
news to Ellen, and then go to Rijjon for a fresh convey- 
ance. [Re enters door, R. s. e. 

Hawk returns from the hade, half tij)sy. 

Hawk. Why, I can't believe my senses — Mr. Fielding 
in the house, and Mr. O'Hara sends me to get drunk, in- 
stead of sending off the writ to the sheriff! What will 
old master say when he comes back % — what will the Irish- 
man say % here's not half the day's work done yet, and 
every moment I expect those farmers from Barnsbury. 
Mai, [Heard ivit/iout.] Mr. AVylie within 1 
Hawk. Eh ! why, as I live, here comes Mr. Maldon ; 
what am I to say to himi I musn't tell him what has hap- 
pened. Eh! I forgot — here's a note of old WyUe's I 
was to take him — how lucky I've got it. 

Enter MA.i.j)?iN from the hack. 

Mad. Mr. Wylie's gone to Ripon, it seems — 

Hawk. Yes, sir — he was called away quite suddenly to 

prepare a v/ill, but he left this note, sir, [Maldon takes 

a?id ojyens it,] wliich — which I was going to bring to you — 

MaL Very good — he says here the writ was issued this 

morning. 



2h THE IRISH ATTORNEY. [Act 1. 

Haivk. Y — es, sir. 

Mai. And that before night, Fielding will be taken. 

Hmvk. No doubt of it, sir. 

Mai. Then my fears are all at rest — the blow will be 
so heavy, and the sum so heavy, he can scarcely find means 
to pay it ; 'twill remove him for at least a month, and in 
that time Ellen must be mine. 

Hatvk. [Aside] Now, if Mr. Fielding should open that 
door. 

Mai. By the bye, I wish to write a note to my friend 
Charlcote ; he has a horse to run a race to-day close by, 
so I know he's in the neighbourhood. \IIe sits at the ta- 
ble and takes faper. — O' Hara sings outside. 

Hawk. [At the hack.] Eh ! why I declare here's Mr. O' 
Hara coming back. Well, as his superior standing has 
made all this confusion, 1 leave it to his superior genius to 
get out of it. Itts veiy clear to me I'm not wanted. 

[He goes Hirough r. door. 

Re-ente?' O'Hara, breathless, c. 

O'H. Phew! was ever anything so cruel! — I've missed 
the fellow at the inn, and divil knows where I am to find 
him — by my honour, it's heart-breaking — here's as pretty 
a challenge now as ever was penn'd, and no one to give it 
to! 

Mai. [Finishi7ig his note.] *' Yours, faithfully, James 
Maldon." 

O'H. Maldon — Maldon is it ? I beg pardon, sir, is 
that your name ] 

Mai. It is, sir. 

O' H. You're a lucky man — here's a little note, sir, 
you'll oblige me by looking over. 

Mai. A challenge ! and from Fielding ? 

O'H. You've a discerning mind, sir. 

Mai. Sir, this is impossible — this gentleman by this 
time might or must be in York Castle. 

O' H. He might have been, sir, but he's out of York 
Castle. 

Mai. I say he is, sir — a writ was issued against him to- 
day by my lawyer. 

O^H. Which writ, sir, I took the liberty of stopping- 
Ma/. You? 



ScEOE I.] THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 21 

O'H. I— 

Mai. And upon what authority ? 

O'H. Upon that of your lawyer's partner, sir, who, ha- 
ving bought half his business, takes all his responsibility. 

Mai. Infamous ! — 'tis beneath me to exchange a word 
with you, but I hold you responsible for the debt he owes 
me, and shall choose another time, sir, to call you to ac- 
count. \Hc goes off at hack. 

O' H. Could'nt you make it now 1 — ^Iurder and fire ! 
— then there's no fght after all. What have I done to 
provoke this cruel destiny 1 — 

Enter CnxRLCoTEj'fWJi the back. 

Cha. Good day, sir, again — I thought Mr. Maldon was 
here. 

O'H. [Aside.] Eh ! here's her brother come — T. wonder, 
now, if he'd oblige me, 

Cha. And yet, what use is there seeking him : he can't 
ride the mare, she'd throw him to a certainty. 

O'H. [Aside.] He's come after his sister, that's plain 
enough. 

Cha. [Aside.] And to lose the race in this way, with tho 
stake so heavy ! 

O'H. Well, I may as well let him know my mind at 
once. Sir, I presume the object of your visit here is now 
no secret. 

Cha. None whatever — I've backed my mare to-day for a 
thousand guineas, and within half an hour of its coming 
off, my jockey has been taken ill. 

O'H. What? 

Cha. My jockey has been taken ill. 

O^H. And can't ride the mare 1 

Cha. Yes — the only man in Yorkshire who can ride 
her. 

O'H. I beg your pardon, sir, 1 don't like to commit 
myself, but I beg to say that if your horse was a hurricane^ 
there's another man can ride her, and that's myself 

Cha. You ? 

O'H. I — I thank heaven my education has been so well 
attended to on that point. I can ride anything that possess- 
es a back, and if it happens to have three legs, I can help 
it to a fourth. 



22 THP: IRISH ATTORNEY. jAcT I. 

CJia. But — but, of course you couldn't oblige me on 
this occasion 1 

O'H. I couldn't 1 and why not, pray 1 

Cha. It would compromise you as a laivyer. 

O'H. As a lawyer ! why, man alive, in G-alway, the 
necessary ste2is to practice are two fights and a race. 

Cha. Then do you mean to say you'll ride my mare % 

O'H. As sure as sunrise — when is it to come off] 

Cha. In twenty minutes. 

O'//. What weight must she carry ? 

Cha. Twelve stone. 

O'//. Mine to a pound — get the scales ready — I'll get 
my whip and cap, and be with you in a jiffy. 

Cha. And afterwards you'll dine with us 1 

O' H. To be sure I will — and drink with you till you're 
under the table. 

Cha. Very well — then I shall expect you on the field 
in twenty minutes. [ He goes out at hack. 

O' II. By my honour, this is a windfall — I've got some- 
thing to do at last in the way of my profession. Ah ! if 
that old thief knew how I was working for him, if he 
knew how I was slavins; for the sfood of the firm — Mr. 
Charlcote's blood mare, rode by Mr. Pierce O'Hara, for 
a thousand guineas aside ! — if that doesn't demonstrate 
my claims as a lawyer, I want to know what will ! 

Entc7- TiwYK front the hack. 

Ha7ch. If you please, sir, here's the deputation from 
Barnsbury come to consult with you. 

O'Af. Very good — then just to assist the consultation, 
you'll be kind enough to fetch my jockey cap, whip, and 
jacket. 

Hawk. Your jockey cap and jacket] 

O'/A. Yes, sir — did you hear me ] 

Hawk. But — but, won't you speak to the clients, sir, 
before you go ] 

O'//. No, sir — I'll not be dirtying my fingers to-day 
with any of your rascally proceedings — if they are to be 
cheated, do it in secret, sir. 

Hawk. Cheated, sir ? their case is a public one — they're 
a body of patriotic yeomen, who are resolved to defend a 
right of way over Barnsbury-heath, against the Lord of 
the Manor. 



SCENK I.] ^i'HE iiUbH ATTOKNlii'. 23 

O'H. They are ! then honour go with them, and good 
luck to boot — go, fetch my things — give me the papers, I'll 
attend to the deputation from Barnsbury. [Exit Haivk, 
R. s. E.J By my faith, I thought it had been some eel- 
skinning business, only fit for my partner — but a body of 
patriots, sons of a free soil, defending the right bequeath- 
ed them by their fathers — by my honour, that's a good 
subject for a speech. I'll give them a taste of Irish elo- 
quence — Saunders, shovr the gentlemen in. 

Enter Saunders with Farmers, c. 

Sau. This v^ay, gentlemen, this way. 

Farmers. Good morning, sir. 

O'H. Gentlemen, good morning to you, I'm delighted 
to see you. Saunders, where's the case 1 

Sau. Here, sir. [He gives 0' Hara papers — the Farmers 
range themselves before him. 

O'll. Good morning, gentlemen. I have but a few mi- 
nutes to spare, as I am engaged upon a case of the most 
vital importance, not only to this county, but the country 
at large — but in those few minutes I will endeavour to 
give you my opinion as regards the subject ytm. have come 
upon, and on which you seek it — \Aside\ Just twelve mi- 
nutes. — \Aloud\ Gentlemen, I will begin by observing, 
that law, as you all know, is neither as rapid as a race- 
horse, nor as cheap as oysters ; 'tis an evil which we must 
all seek occasionally, in order that good may come — we 
must do it, gentlemen, if not for our own sakes, for the 
sake of posterity — though, to be sure, you may say what 
has posterity ever done for us ? That's true, gentlemen, 
I admit the force of that, though, at the same time, I 
would draw this distinction, that, by the term posterity, 1 
don't mean our ancestors, but that honourable class of 
men which comes immediately after them. Having thus, 
gentlemen, laid down the principles of law in general,Jet 
me proceed to apply them to the case at issue. This is a 
question of a right of way ; now, of a right of way, you 
are aware, there may be three kinds. There may be a 
way through a gate in the manner of a man, or over a 
gate in the manner of a horse, or under a gate in the 
manner of a weazle. Again, gentlemen, there may be 
high-ways and by-ways, straight-ways and crooked-ways, 



24 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. [AcT I. 

and, as in the case of your landlord, a d — d dirty way. 
But, gentlemen, which ever way this is, you think it your 
right, and I presume you will in no way resign it — 1*11 
not insult you with the suspicion : gentlemen, this is a 
subject on which I feel inspired by the ardour of the Ro- 
man Cicero, when appealing to the Senate, in that great 
oration against Catiline, which you must all so well re- 
member — he sprung to the Forum, and exclaimed — 
[Aside.] Saunders, make haste, you scoundrel — [Jumping 
on a chair, puts one foot on the table, and looks at his watch], 
[Aloud.] You Conscript Fathers, August Senators of 
Rome, on you I call — [Aside.] Where's my cap and jack- 
et 1 — [Aloud.] our rights are attacked, shall we not pre- 
serve them 1 on you I call to rise up from your curule 
chairs, and in a voice of thunder cry out — 

Charlcote runs in from the hack, 

Cha. Time's up ! — come and be weighed. 
O'H. Yoicks % yoicks ! I'm your man — Gal way for 
ever ! [He jumps from the table, throwing off his coat — Sal- 
ly at the same moment runs in, r., with his jockey jacket, 
and Hawk with his whip and cap — he slips them on.] Now, 
Conscript Fathers, Senators of Barnsbury, I'm going to 
ride a race, will you come and see it % — the case, or the 
race % [ The Farmers send up a shout — " Hhe race } the race ! 
huzza /" 4^. The trumpet sounds outside, to weigh — 
OHara runs out with Charlcote, waving his whip, 
the Farmers after him. 

END OF ACT I. 



AC T II. 

Scene I. — The offices as before, hut in a great state of ctm- 
fusion, chairs upset, papers, hooks, and boxes strewed about 
the floor — Time, night. — Candles lighted. 

Hawk and Saunders discovered seated. 

Hawk. I say, Saunders, what's o'clock 1 

Sau. Ter\ — it's just strikinp^. 



Scene I.] THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 25 

Hawk. Ten o'clock, and the governor has not come 
back yet — well, when he does come, what are we to say 
to him ] here has this Irishman ruined the day's work, 
destroyed a brief, dismissed a deputation, and let the firm 
in for Mr. Fielding's debt — I wouldn't care if he bore the 
blame himself, but old Wylie is so suspicious, he'll swear 
J had some hand in it. 1 wonder whether he'll be back 
to-night — if he shouldn't till tomorrow, his partner will 
be home by that time, and they could fight it out between 
them — half-past ten, it's not very likely — no, I think it's 
all right — all safe — all — 

Wyl. [Ofitsidc] Hawk! Saunders! 

Hawk. Mercy on us, there he is. 

Sau. Yes, here he is, at last, and looking precious sour 
— what will he say, when you tell him all that's happened ? 

Hawk. And what will he do ? he'll murder both of us ! 

Sau. Do you think so ] then 1 wouldn't tell him — I'd 
let him find it out. 

Hawk. A good thought — and I say — 

Sau. Mum, here he comes. 

Enter Wylie, from the hackf c, in his travelling dress as 
before. 

Wyl. Why, Hawk — Saunders, how's this : is your work 
over so soon 1 

Hawk. Y — es, sir — it's been all over vnth us for some 
time. 

Wyl. Well, I'm glad to hear it, that shews you've not 
been idle ; and Mr. O'Hara — 

Hawk. Oh, he's not been idle either, has he, Saunders ? 

Sau. No, sir — he's done a great deal to-day. 

Wyl. Well, I'm happy to hear that — he's at home, of 
course 1 

Hawk. At — at home, sir ] 

Wyl. Yes, at home. 

Hawk. No, sir — I think he has stepped out. 

Wyl. To see a client ] 

Hawk. Yes, sir — I think it was about some proceeding 
— [iljiWe] on horseback. 

Wyl. A case lying in the county 1 

Hawk. Yes, sir — [Aside\ and half way across it. 

Wyl. Well, I dare say, he's got over the ground rapidly. 



26 THE IKlfeli ATTUUiNEY. 



[Act II. 



Hawk. No doubt of it, sir — [^^z'^^ej he won the race in 
seven minutes. 

Wyl. Well, Hawk, as it's so late, and I'm very tired, I 
w^on't detain you any longer. 

Haivk. \Aside.\ Thank heaven ! 

Wyl. So you can get your supper ; and, Saunders, as 
you go, you can close the office. 

Sau. Yes, sir, [Draws bolt and hloics out office candles. 

Haivk. [Aside.] Saved my bones, by Jupiter ! 

[Saunders goes out at hack, and closes middle door — 
Hawk through door r. 

Wyl. Come, my partner's steadiness to-day is gratifying 
— I confess I'd some misgivings on leaving him this mor- 
ning, knowing the school he was brought up in ; but this 
news removes all fears, so I'll go and have my supper, 
and by that time I dare say he'll be in — stop, I think I 
may as well first look over my memorandums. [Going to 
the table, R., iclth jmpers, he draws a chair. \ It's very cool 
to-night — is there any fire here 1 [He looks into the grate.] 
Eh ! why, the grate is choked up with paper. What have 
they been burning here 1 [He takes up the remnant of the 
brief.] What's this 1 here's a remnant of a hundred folios 
— this must be something valuable — here, Hawk ! Sally ! 
— bring a light. I can't see to read it, but — 

Enter Hawk, r. 

Hawk. Did you call, sir ] 

Wyl. Yes, sir — bring here that candle. What's this % 
[Reads.] " Ruggles versus Quicksett," why, it can't be the 
brief 

Hawk. The — the what, sir ] 

Wyl. The brief, sir — thrown into that grate and burnt 
to a cinder. 

Haivk. Is — is it, sir 1 

Wyl. Yes, sir: what does this mean ] 

Hatvk. I'm sure, sir, I don't know — I — [Aside] — I'm a 
dead man ! 

Wyl. Who threw it there ? 

Hatvk. Who, sir 1 
Wyl. Speak, you rascal, or I'll strangle you ! 

Hawk. Mr. O'Hara, sir. 
Wyl Mr. O'Hara ! 



Scene I.] THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 27 

Hawk. Yes, sir. 

Wyl. And for what reason ? 

Hawk. Because he said it disgraced us. 

Wyl. Disgraced us ? 

Hawk. I went down on my knees to stop him, sir, but — 

Wyl. But the writ— he sent that, of course ? 

Hawk. No, sir, he didn't. 

Wyl. No! 

Hawk. He said that disgraced us also. 

Wyl. Fielding not arrested ? 

Haivk. No, sir — and what's more, the deputation from 
Barnsbury — 

Wyl. Well ] 

Hawk. He turned them all out of the house— and they're 
gone to another lawyer. 

Wyl. [Dropping into a chair.] Why, I'm ruined ! 
Hawk. I was afraid, sir, to tell you when you came in, 
but — 

Wijl. Oh ! fool, fool— and for the poor bait of a few 
hundred pounds, I've tied myself to this imposter— where 
IS he now 1 

Hawk. He's dining with the hunt, sir. 

Wyl. With the hunt 1 

Hawk. Yes, sir— he rode a race to-day, and havin? 
won it — ° 

Wyl. Rode a race — why I'm disgraced eternally.. This 
is a blow no dozen firms could stand under — the impu- 
dent villain— but, Mr. Maldon, has he been here ? 

Havk. Yes, sir ; and left this note for you. 

Wyl. My brain whirls. \Hc tears the note open. 

Hiivk. {AsiJe?\ That's lucky, if his Irain whirls, his 
stick can't. 

V/yJ. He says here, the only condition on which he 
will forgive his treatment, is, that I instantly dismiss my 
partner. 

i'^nwk. Dismiss him, sir 1 

ilW. Yes— how shall I act— Maldon must be pacified 
—must be obeyed— there is but one way — I'll go to this 
Irishman, charge him with his baseness, and — no — I'll 
answer this note first — Mr. Maldon is waiting for it — yes, 
I'll write it in the next room — and you, Hawk, shall carry 
ir — and then to deal with this Irishman. \Ex/t,R. 



28 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. [Act II. 

O'Hara sings at the back. 

Ho Ro, it's the sup of good dviuk, 

Ho Ro, it's the sup of good drink, 

If I had a shilling wrapped lip in a clout, 

It's the sup of good drink that would wheedle it out. 

O'Hara staggers in from tlie hade, whip in hand, singing. 
O'H. Whoop, ho ro ! why, you villains, where are you 
all^ lic^hts out, office empty— is this the way you attend 
to busmess 1 are these the habits of order and propriety 
required by our profession— you dissolute vagabonds, I'll 
take my oath you're getting drunk and disgracmg the 
firm. J5y my conscience, I must discharge them. I ve 
no doubt, now, that whilst I've been slaving for the good 
of the house, those caterpillars, my clerks, have been 
spendincr my jnoney and ruining my character. Ah ! it's 
lucky for that old thief, my partner, there's some one m 
the firm to stick to business— whoop ! tally-ho ! who s 
afraid— urn— the. door locked— Where's the key 1 d— n the 
key— here's a leg shall spoil a lock as quickly as any key 
in Christendom. [He bursts c.d. open.] Ah! ah! so ! so ! 
[ He cracks his lohip, a?id imagines himself on horseback.] Asy, 
asv, now, my beauty — don't strain yourself at a dirty gut- 
ter, only ten foot across— isn't there a seven foot wall 1)6- 
f^3T^.e you— don't you see it, now] don't jump till you're 
under it— now, down with your nose, up with your legs, 
and— whoop ! by my honour, she's cleared it— seven 
hedo-es, seven ditches, two pig-styes, and a cow-house, 
and'' all upon one little bucket of water. By my con- 
science, 1 think if she'd a tumbler of punch, she d go 
over a church— whoop ! who's afraid— chair, chair, cnair 

order, order. [He leans against the chair and boii-s.\ Mr. 

Chairman, and gentlemen, Ibr the honour you have done 
me in drinking my health— T return you, gentlemen, _ a 
sportsman's thanks and a stranger's gratitude. Mr. Chair- 
man, as I said before, a stranger's thanks and a sports- 
man's gratitude— and I beg to say, gentlemen, on resum- 
ino- my seat— [Ac stinnUes back, and fa Is on tie ground.] 
Ha, ha! I've been knocked down for a song— this room 
ai^pearcd to be square this morning— and now it's cn-cui<iri 
and that's not the only Phenomena I've observed this eve^ 
ning-_how very odd— I was not aware till to-day that tne « 



li 



Scene I.] THE lUI^FI ATTOR^^KY. 29 

counly of York was subject to earthquakes — but such is 
the fact, for, as I came aloug here, strange to say, tlie 
ground rose U23 every now and then and hit me in tlie 
face — a very singular occurrence, very singular. Well, 
here 1 am at home, though not in bed — never mind, if I 
can't go to my room, 1 suppose my room will come to me 
— I'll prove that philosophically —according to Newton, 
the earth is round, and is constantly tarrirng, consequently 
I've only got to lie quiet and hold up my key, and my 
room must come to me in time — ah ! those rollicking devils, 
they Avatered the punch, the villains — they diluted the 
drink. 

Sally comes from door, r. s. e. 

Sal. Deary me, zur, what be the matter wi' ye, zur '{ 

O' H. A dropsical complaint — the water on my chest — 
tVie blackguards where I've been dining have diluted the 
punch, 

Sdl. Nau, did they, zur? 

O' If. They did, the villains — though I'd tossed off' no 
more than four bottles of claret. 

Sal. Why, la, zur, you han't drunk four whole bottles, 
linve you, and no one to help you % 

(y H. Sally, you darling, I derived great assistance — I 
had a bottle of Madeira to help me — Sally, you devil, 
come here — [^-szV/e] by my faith, that girl's eyes are black- 
er than ever; I must be "Chamber Council" here — I 
must have a suit with Sally, so I'll open the pleadings. — 
[Aloud.] You divil, do you know, I couldn't sleep last night 
for dreaming of you ] 

Sal. La, zur. 

O'H. It's a fact, you villain, you're killing me by inches ; 
you shall be my client, Sally, for the future, and I'll be 
your solicitor. 

Sal. Deary me, zur, will'ee ? 

O'H. Will I 1 won't I ? hark you, my cherub — did you 
ever hear of Epicurus' doctrine of the agitation of atoms] 

Sal. Of what, zur % 

O'H. Of atoms. Epicurus asserted that the world was 
made of a great heap of atoms, which came jostling toge- 
ther like heads-and sticks on the last day of Donnybrook ; 
now, it's very clear to me, that the first atoms that met in 
the regions of space, were the tips of o :i' lips — so, by 



30 THE Ij;i;r':l ATTORNEY. 



JACT II. 



way of instructing you in the old sceptical philosophy, 
just allow me to renew the original contract. 

[M(7 Icing an atttmiit to seize her. 

Enter W yIsIY. fro7)i r. door — Salhj screams and runs off at 
the hack. 

^Vyl. What the devil are you about 1 

O' il. Giving 8ally an idea of the Epicurean system. 

TFyZ. Hov/ dare you, sir ] 

O'ii. Aha! my old six-and-eight-pence, is that you 1 
— always turn your back, or knock at the door, in these 
cases. 

1V)/L Dare you look me in the face 1 

O'll. Why, considering it's a Gorgon's, I certainly 
wonder at my courage. 

TV//1. Have you not exposed me ] 

OH. 'J'hnl's very possible. 

IF///. Disgraced me ! 

O'JI. That's impossible. 

W//1. Destroyed ray best brief, dismissed my best suit, 
alienated my best client — sir, you deserve hanging ! 

O'//. Well, sir — and what's hanging] the law taking 
advantage of a gentleman's misfortunes ! 

IF///. And not content with all this, you bring a woman 
into the house, for what 1 know, vour mistress 

O'If. My what? 

JVi/L Your mistress ! | O'llara attempts to rise and. hit 
him iciih the whip, hut falls hark. 

O' II. You old thief of the world, if you don't instantly 
beg pardon of the cherub you've slandered, I'll — ah, it's 
lucky for you that they watered the punch. 

Wyh Well, sir, 111 have no more words with you — I'm 
cool, now, sir, quite cool and collected — and now, sir, let 
Die thorik you for one outrage you've committed — for ri- 
ding that race to-day, by which you have violated our 
deed of partnership — do you hear that, sir] I'm happy 
to tell you, vou're no longer my partner. 

O'H. Whnt'sthat'? 

Wj/l. No longer my partner, sir. 

iyjf. Come, come, old pouncet-box, you're joking. 

IK///. Joking, am I — then I'll give you the proof [Goes 
to the deed hox on the tahlc, and extracts a 2>eipcr.] Here is 



ScEOE I.] THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 31 

the deed containing this especial clause. [Reads.] " And 
be it further provided, that if the said Pierce O'Hara 
should ever be guilty of riding a race, or joining in any- 
other unbecoming amusement, that such conduct should 
vitiate this deed." Do you hear that 1 

O'H. You want a light, allow me to hand you one. 

[Sctsjlre to th^ paper, 

Wyl. What the devil are you at % 

G' H. Saving you a vast deal of trouble. 

Wyl. Well, sir — since I've satisfied you, there, sir. 
YTears the deed up and throws it at 1iim.\ There, sir — and 
now I'm free of you — you're a stranger to me — you've 
no longer any right or title here, and i demand that you 
leave my house forthwith. 

O'H. To-night! 

Wyl. To-night — not another hour shall you pass under 
this roof. 

O'H. Pililew! 

Wyl. I was to-day your victim, I'm now your judge, 
sir — I'll hear no reply — no reply, sir — no reply. [He goes 
off through door r. — O'Hara sits up half-sobered. 

O'H. My judge ! — -by my honour, you're a justice in 
eyre! So, then, Mr. Pierce O'Hara, the upshot is, that 
you're turned out of the house at eleven o'clock at night, 
without a shed on a common to go to roost under. Why, 
murder and fire, what will become of me 1 — I've a tho- 
rough knowledge of my profession, it's true — but till I 
catch a client, of money I may say I've a plentiful scarcity. 

Saundeks enters r., witli trunks, sticks, pistol-case, Sfc. 

Sau. Here are your things, sir. 

O'H. My things ? 

Sau. Mr. Wylie told me to bring them here, and then 
step to the inn and tell the boots to fetch them. 

O'H. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to tell the 
boots I want a bed. 

Sau. Very well, sir. [He goes out at the hack — O'Hara 
staggers to his feet. 

CH. Oh ! it's true enough — out I'm going like a house 
dog, in the middle of the night, and the old villain won't 
even give shelter to my boxes ; and this is the beginning 
of my legal career in Yorkshire — by my honour, it's cheer- 



32 THE IRISH ATTORNEY. [AcT II. 

ing-— if I begin by being turned out of a house, I suppose 
I shall end with breaking into one. 

Enter Miss Charlcote, r. s. e. 

Miss C. You are here, sir — you'll pardon my anxiety, 
but Mr. Fielding is not returned, and were my brother to 
discover me — 

O'H. Well, my darling, and if he should 1 

Miss C. Are you not aware he would compel me to 
marry a man I hate 1 But do not think I blame him ; I 
know in all he has done he has been a victim like myself. 

O'H. A victim 1 then there are three victims — you are 
a victim, I'm a victim, and your brother's a victim. 

Miss C. His reason for compelling me to marry Mr. 
Maldon is, that he owes him a debt of several thousand 
pounds, which he lost to him at cards. 

O'lJ. Friends playing together ! — -the devil's own do- 
ings ! 

Bliss C. His estate being encumbered, he had no im- 
mediate means to pay it, and was obliged to beg for time ; 
it was granted, but only on condition that he consented, 
as my guardian, to his creditor's desires : his ruin was the 
alternative if he refused, and, therefore — 

O' H. To save his sti/.d he sacrificed his siste?' ! 

Miss C. Ah, sir, you must not be too harsh with him. I 
know he would not willingly have wronged me ; but he is 
young — he's proud — and threatened, as I tell you, for a 
sum he couldn't pay — 

O'H. I understand — as that's the case, just tell me, my 
angel, where I may find this generous lover, this accom- 
modating creditor? 

Mai. [ Without] Tell Mr. Wylie, sir, I am here. 

Miss C. Ah ! that is hie voice. 

O'H. It is — then oblige me by leaving us, and trust 
your case to me. Consider me your counsel, a^d never 
fear but with my arguments I'll iion-suit your suitor. 

Miss C. Ah, sir, accept the best thanks — the prayers of 
her you have defended. [She goes of, r. s. e. 

O'H. By my honour, I'd rather have you than your 
prayers ; however, no matter for that, she's a saint, and 
I'll take care no one plunders her shrine. So, now it's 
all out — my fox-hunting friend has been done at play, I 



Sce?;e I.J THE lUlr^ll AT'OKNEV. 33 

fancy, by this Maldon, and having no money, like other 
country gentlemen, he pays him in kind. Now, let me 
consider my course in this affair— though in most person- 
al actions my favourite code has been a canon law, yet there 
are cases where the conduct having been criminal, the pro- 
cess need not be civil — he's coming — good — I'll in this 
case consider him in the light of a lord chancellor who 
has decided unfairly, so I'll put to him a point which he'll 
find so knotty, I shouldn't at all wonder if it altered his 
judgment. 

Enter MALD0Ny)-(7w the hack. 

Mai. You here, sir 1 

(y H. Yes, sir; you seem surprised to see me here. 

Mai. I am, after the note I've just received* 

O'H, The'notel 

Mai. From Mr. Wylie ; acquainting me, that, as some 
atonement for my treatment, he had, at my desire, dissol- 
ved your partnership, and dismissed you from his house. 

O'H. Oho ! at your desire ? 

Mai. At my desire. 

O'H. Then it's to you I'm indebted for being turned 
out of doors at eleven o'clock at night. Sir, I'm obliged 
to you. 

Mai. Obliged to me ! 

O'H. Yes, sir, for adopting this method of doing me 
justice. Many thanks to you, sir, we'll have it off directly. 

Mai. What, sir, in the middle of the night 1 

O'H. Why not ; where could you find a snugger room 
than this % we've only got to lock the doors, toss up for 
corners, and blaze away. 

Mai. But, sir, I didn't come here to be shot at — 

0' H. You didn't? Well, now, only to see some men's 
good fortune ; you didn't hope for such a pleasure, and 
here you've tumbled into it. 

Mai. But, sir, I'm wholly unprepared^ — I've neither 
friends nor pistols. 

O'H. Oh, make yourself easy, I'll be your friend, and 
I've as pretty a pair of reporters in that case as you'd 
wish to stand before. [Opens trunk 8^ takes out pistol case. 

Mai. Sir, I refuse your proposal. If you'll wait till 
daybreak — 

O'll. Daybreak ! poh, poh — I see your taste wants re- 



34 THE IlllSIi ATTORNEY. [Act II. 

fining. You're fond of a big field and a staring sky, 
where every one can look at you. That's not our mode 
in Galway ; we prefer the social seclusion of a saw-pit, 
or a study, where there's just light enough to see we don't 
hurt the furniture. 

Mai. Sir, I decline this meeting — I demand that you 
let me go. 

O'H. Go ! oh, of course ; they'll go fast enough. Now, 
look at them — ain't they a pair of darlings % I've a sort 
of love for these pistols that stands me in lieu of paternal 
attachments — one I call Sweetlips, and the other the 
Coaxer. There, sir, they're ready loaded, and I've primed 
them — now take your choice, and if you like a short shot, 
catch hold of the end of this neckcloth. \He forces a pis- 
tol into Maldon's hand, and untwists his cravat.] Oh, you've 
got Coaxer — Coaxer's the boy, I give you my honour. 

M 7. [Aside.] What am I to do ? 

(/ il. Stop, stop — I'll lock the door and hang up the 
key ; and then, you know, when it's all over the sur- 
nvor can let himself out. [He goes to door at hack and 
closes it.\ Do me the favour to observe, there's the key un- 
der this hat ; and now, sir, if you'll not consider this dis- 
tant; r);)jectionable, give the word ! 

Mai. I must wing this ruffian, or be murdered by him ; 
so, here goes. [He sjiaps the pistol at O'Hara — O'H. turns. 

O'H. Missed, by St. Peter. 

Mai. D — n — I — I'm afraid, sir, I levelled too soon, but — 

O'//. Oh, don't mention it — I'll not be in such a hurry 
— I've seen many a good aim thrown away by an over 
hasty pull. 

Mat. Hold, hold, Mr. O'Hara ; you cannot think of le- 
velling at an unarmed man — you see I'm powerless. 

O'H. And whose fault is that, my dear'? — a miss always 
counts for a shot — If you're on your legs after my fire, 
I'll hammer your flint and prick your touch-hole myself 

[Aiming. 

Mai. Hold, sir ! Mr. O'Hara, for heaven's sake reserve 
your fire ! 

O'H. If you're serious in that unreasonable demand, 
I'd as soon think of shooting a dead rat out of a trap. I 
see you're the sort of man to deal with by arbitration. 

Mai. Why, certainly, I should prefer that course. Let 



Scene 1.1 



THE IRL^H ATTORNEi'. 35 



US part Tiow, and in the morning I'll appoint one arbitra- 
tor, and — 

O'll. Oh, don't trouble yourself, I've got a couple close 
at my heels. 

Mai. And who may they be 1 

O'H. [Producing the sticks \ Messrs. Blackthorn and 
Ground Ash ! you may take your choice. I'll answer foi 
it, neither of these miss fire. 

MaL But, sir, you can't seriously imagine I can con- 
tend in this way. 

0''ll. Upon my conscience, you're hard to please — but 
to be plain with you, I begin to think you can contend in 
no way that's worthy of a gentleman. Now, hear what I 
have to say, sir : you fired at me at a 'vantage ; I offer 
you a defence, and you refuse to take it. Now there's 
only one thing you can do to save your bones from being 
turned into a jelly, and your conduct posted all over 
the county. Hark'ye, Mr. Maldon : you've won a sum of 
money from my friend Charlcote, on which advantage 
you compelled him to promise you his sister's hand. 
Now, sir, write me at once a release from that promise. 

Mul. Well, sir, under the present circumstances, I've 
no desire to press Miss Charlcote's inclinations. 

O'H. Under present circumstances, I think you are 
quite right in your decision. 

Mai. But some one is approaching by that passage : on- 
ly be silent, and trust to my honour for the release. 

O'H. Don't you think it would be as well to sign the 
release now, and trust to my honour to be silent % 

Mai. But we shall be discovered, and I exposed. 

O'H. Not in that room — I'll wait on you. 

Mai. Mr. O'Hara, I am wealthy, and can be grateful — 
is there no other way. 

O'U. Shall I refer you to Counsellor Blackthorn % 

Mai. Devil take Counsellor Blackthorn. [Exit, l. 

O'//. The Counsellor's pleading is inimitable, in cases 
of this kind — I'll take him with me, now, as an incorrup- 
tible witness. \Exit^ l. 

Enter Wylie and HAWKy/'om r., witli a candle. 

IVi/l. What's this 1 Quicksett has satisfied Ruggles 1 
Hawk. Yes. sir: and all owingr to Mr. O'Hara. The 



36 Tin: HUM! ATT():;:s:..V. [ActTI. 

5>quire dined '.vitl) lilm to-day, and Las agreed hcth to 
compensate onr client, and to employ us for the future. 

IVf/l. The deuce he has! ^v hy, then, the Irishman 
has not lost rae a client, but gained me one 1 
,H(nck. Exactly so, sir. 
Wyl. Bat then his treatment of that Hock of farmers, by 
whom I must have gained hundreds, I can never forgive. 

Enter the Deputation, foVotced hij FieldIiVG. 

Wyl. Really, gentlemen, 1 am very sorry my partner 
should have treated you in so shameful a manner. 

Far. Shameful, zur ; la bless you, he be the finest law- 
yer that ever corned into these parts. Why, at the din- 
ner to-day, he got the Lord of the Manor to give us up 
the right of ^vay over Barnsbury Heath. 

Wyl. He did] 

F'lc. Which landlord, sir, is my uncle, from whom I 
have been estranged for many years, and to whose favour 
I was restored to-day, through the kindness of your part- 
ner, who, by not arresting me, but suffering me to proceed 
to Ripon, where I met my relative, has helped me back to 
affluence. Asa small earnest of my gratitude, allow me 
to offer you the management of the coal mines on my un- 
cle'vS property. 

Wyl. The coal mines ! — why that's a thousand a-year 
at the least shilling. 

Enter CnARhCOTr.froin the bacl: 

aim. Mr. Fielding ! 

Fie. Mr. Charlcote, this meeting is fortunate. This 
morning, rendered desperate by your refusal, I stole your 
sister from your roof; I now beg to restore her to you, 
and to tell you I possess a property which enables me to 
ask her from you as becomes a gentleman. 

Cha. Sir, I have already told you my sister's hand is 
pledged to Mr. Maldon : my word is given to him, and 
he only can release me from it. 

[O'llara and Maldon come from l. 

O'll. Which he is quite ready to do at the lady's re- 
quest. 

CJuj. Maldon, is this really so ? 

O'H. There is the formal release, which, by Mr. Mal- 
don's request, 1 have drawn up. [Gives j'Oper. 



Scene I.] THE IRISH ATTORNEY. 37 

Cha. What do I see ! 

Mai. A jDermission to your sister to follow her own in- 
clinations ; to which, Charlcote, let me add a full discharge 
of the play debt between us ; which I never should have 
pressed, could I have hoped to win your sister's hand. 

[ Crosses to r. 

O'H. [To Fanners.] Hal my Conscript Fathers ! Pa- 
triot Senators of Barnsbury — I've met your lord of the 
manor at dinner to-day, and over our third bottle convin- 
ced him he ought to concede the right in question. Re- 
turn, therefore, and go on your ancient ways rejoicing. 

[Farmers exeunt^ c. 

Fie. Mr. Maldon, accept my friendship. But my dear 
Mr. O'Hara, what do I not owe you ? 

Cha. [To O'Hara.] You have saved me from ruin, 
command me for the future as you please. Mr. Fielding 
— Maldon — we are now no longer enemies; let my sister 
be the witness of our reconciliation. [They go out r. s ^. 

Wyl. Why, I can't believe my senses — obtained a c!. - 
charge of Charlcote's debt! 

O' //. Every farthing of it. 

Wyl. But by what power did you convince him ] 

OH. The jDower of justice, aided with the opinion of 
a counsellor, whose arguments, if rightly appl'dl, seldom 
or ever fail in such equivocal cases. 

^Vyl. Sir, this seems impossible. 

O'//. Oh, no doubt — to ordinary minds — to your poor 
miserable every-day practitioners ; but to lawyers who act 
on the constitutional principles of immutable justice, it 
never fails. 

Wyl. [Aside?[ Why, this man is a miracle ; every out- 
rage he has committed against legal propriety has turned 
into a benefit ; and after all, his profundity as a lawyer — 
[O' Hara, during this, having huttoned up his coat to go, 
nolo tahes his hat. 

O'H. And now, Mr. Wylie, having put your business 
on a more elevated footing than I found it, I'll bid you 
good bye. 

Wyl. What's that — surely, my dear sir, you're not go- 
mg to leave me ! 

Cy H. Why, haven't you discharged me 1 

Wyl. Oh, nonsense, I know I said something hasty just 
now, but — 



38 THE HIIBH ATTORNEY. ]AcT 11. 

O'H. Hasty, sir; didn't you say I disgraced you 1 

Wijl. My dear sir, how can you disgrace me, who are 
honored by every client I have ? 

O' H. Didn't you say I had ruined you 1 

Wyl. How can you ruin me, when you have secured 
me a thousand a-year ? 

O'//. Well, sir, I might pardon that — I might set it 
down to passion, or mistake ; but there was one taunt of 
yours I never can forgive — you reflected on my practice 
— you said I was no lawyer. 

Wyl. But — but — my dear sir, that was a forgetfulness 
which — 

O'H. No, no, sir — no apologies can atone for that — 
your calumny has struck into my heart, sir — I'm off. 

\0'Hara, struggling to get out — Charlcote, Fielding, 
and Miss Charlcote come from R. 

Cha, Hey-day — what's this — ^partners quarrelling? 

Wyl. Speak to him, Mr. Charlcote; he's mad enough 
to think 1 wish to part with him. 

Cha. Come, come — I hope riot — he must stay with you 
for our sakes. Eh, sister 1 

OH. I'm off— I'm off— 

Miss C. Pray, Mr. O'Hara, do remain to witness and 
partake the happiriess you've created. 

Wyl. Come, come, now, as an Irishman, you'll not re- 
fuse a lady's reasonable request. 

O'//. Sir, it's not Galway practice to question the rea- 
sonableness of a lady's request ; but if I do consent, one 
word with you, my friend : It seems to me, that you and 
I go upon opposite systems; you setting all men down for 
rascals, think no one's worth serving but yourself; whilst 
I am of opinion, that there's no better way to mind our 
own interests than now and then to remember other peo- 
ple's. Do you agree to that ] 

Wyl. Perfectly. 

O'H. Well, then, there's my hand ; we'll draw up a 
new deed, and to-morrow we'll start afresh. And, now, 
as all our friends are content about us, I trust there are a 
few here who will not withhold their support from the fu- 
ture career of an Irish Attorney. 

THE END, 



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